The Long and Winding Road

There's really not much interesting to write about. Recovery and healing are not very action packed. I went with my mom to Target and Fred Meyer yesterday, and by the time we were finished at Freddies, the foggy feeling was back. I think tiredness and overstimulation are the enemy these days. It's definitely good to have these reminders, because I mostly feel ... fine. A little headache every once in awhile, an achy shoulder, and random memory lapses, but nothing like when I first got home. But the feeling in Fred Meyer and the cognitive assessment are good reminders that I'm not back to 100%. It's been less than three weeks since I scared the holy crap out of everyone I know, so I really shouldn't get ahead of myself.

In the meantime, though, I am getting to spend some good quality time with friends and family. My friends Dina and Adrienne came by yesterday and brought Adrienne's almost three-week-old baby Cameron. He is just gorgeous (good job, you guys!). It was so fun to see them both.

I do miss my friends at work and at the barn. I think being by myself is a little harder now, for some reason. I'm hoping I'll get clearance to drive soon (although not if my performance with the shopping cart yesterday is any indication) so I can get out and about once my mom leaves. And y'all should feel free to drop by anytime. I miss you!

Mom Checks in before Checking Out

Okay, just a few more words before I go back to Texas. Yesterday Peggy, Tim and I went to visit Ilyse, Peggy's cognitive therapist. She asked lots of questions and then told us that everything Peggy had described was pretty normal at this time after a closed head injury or TBI (traumatic brain injury). She then tested Peggy and gave us the results. There were five or six tests that she took and they measured reading comprehension, memory and attention. Peggy did well on the reading comprehension--somewhere in the 80th percentile. On the other tests she was somewhere in the 50th percentile with the exception of one test where she scored somewhere in the 40th percentile. Thus, she came about about average for the people who take the test. Ilyse said she thought that overall Peggy is doing very well considering that it is still early in the recovery process and that she felt like most of the problem was due to inability to concentrate (attention) and that that was very normal at this point. She also said that there were lots of things they could do to help her retrain for attention. Peggy had told her that she still feels like things are fuzzy a good part of the time. Ilyse said that that was normal and that she expected that to get much better with time. So, although Peggy tested in the average range, it is not unusual during this part of the healing process. What it did tell all of us is that there is more healing to be done and that the therapy she will be doing with Ilyse gives her a track to run on so she can measure her progress. Ilyse advised her to take things easy, try to stay out of situations that provide lots of stimulation (she said having a five year old at home is plenty of stimulation to test her ability to tolerate it), rest lots, an d goeasy on herself. It takes time to heal!
I have spent everyday with Peggy since the accident happened. I can see tremendous progress. Yes, she still has some short-term memory problems, and she is still tired, and she is not eating well, but overall, each day is a little better. She wants to know what happened, even when she has already been told, and I think that's important. She needs to be able to integrate what happened with where she is now, so tell her what she wants to know. She is beginning to put it all together, but isn't totally there yet. Be patient, she'll get there.
I am going home on Sunday. I told Peggy that if it gets to be too much and she needs me to come back, I will. So, take care of her. Continue to call, e-mail, comment on the blog, and visit. All of those things help everyone get back to normal. Most of all give her hugs from me every time you see her. Thank all of you for the prayers, the concern, the food, the visits, etc. You've been great. Love to all. Linda (Mom, Grandmama)

Average Jane

I had my cognitive assessment today. It was interesting. It was basically a bunch of tests to see whether and how my language and processing skills have been affected by the crash. The first test was to name as many animals as I could in 30 seconds, which is harder than it sounds. I somehow came up with emu. What in the world? I was in the forty-somethingth percentile on that one. On the rest of the tests I was in the forties or fifties, except for reading comprehension, which was higher. It was good to do the tests and find out that I'm not quite as "back to normal" as I feel. The people around me could have told me that, but it was good to get confirmation from a professional. She feels very confident that I'll get back to "normal" but thinks that some therapy will help. So I'll have weekly appointments for the next several months. It was humbling somehow to realize that I need help with these skills that have always come so easily to me, but I'm grateful that the help is there and that the injury wasn't worse. It could so easily have been.

Doctor's Appointment

I went back to the Emmanuel Trauma Clinic today for a follow-up appointment. It was strangely reassuring. A cute resident handled most of the appointment, asking me a bunch of questions like "how's your memory?" (Me: "Um, good?" Am I the only one who thinks that is a dumb question?) He reported to the attending doctor, who then came in and basically asked them all again. (I'm not that brain injured, y'all - I KNOW he just asked me all this.) The doc was amazingly unconcerned. He thinks I'm recovering nicely and, in 6 to 8 weeks, will be back to 100%. He also showed me my CAT scans. Very weird to see your brain on screen, complete with tiny little spots that are apparently bruises. He says to exercise my best judgment about when to drive and when to go back to work. He said if I were a school bus driver, they'd make me take a bunch of tests and basically get my license re-issued, but since I'm just a simple lawyer, I can make the call. I will rely on friends and family to help me with this, since I'm not always aware of whether I'm "off." Every day is better than the last, but I think my body is still working pretty hard to heal itself. But not so hard that a little red wine won't hurt it. Yay! (And, yeah, that WAS question #1. So?)

In other news, we went back to the barn today. It was fun to see everyone. I asked Courtney to tell me the whole story, but I think she's not quite ready. (Plus, she's already apparently told me; I just don't remember.) I learned today that after I fell, I was laying there unconscious and non-responsive, but with my eyes open. If that doesn't freak you out, to see your friend that way, I'm not quite sure what will. She was convinced I was dead. I don't think it was her favorite moment of her life thus far. Sorry, Court.

Overall, it was a good day. The doctor's complete nonchalance about the whole thing made me feel better. I think they worry a little more if you have something truly life-threatening going on. So now, I'm going to lay in my Ikea bed and feel a little more peaceful about the state of my brain (although I will likely continue to use my brain injury as an excuse when it's convenient). 'Night everyone!

Ikea Update

We're still married, although Tim told me if I wanted the dresser assembled so damn badly, I could just sleep outside with it. Needless to say, this project is To Be Continued. . .

Once More Into the Breach

People, you will not believe where I went today. I, relatively recently brain-injured, apparently lost what was left of my senses and went with my mom to Ikea. Now, if that won't make you lose the rest of your wits, I don't know what will. Holy crap, that store is like Swedish modern Hell. If you've been there, then you know what I'm talking about. Flourescent lighting bugs me, so I wore my super cool, fashion forward sunglasses throughout the store (thank you Amy and Tom Ford!) and honestly didn't stand out much from the other crazed people in there. You can't get out without either going through the entire maze or reading the map (those of you who know either my mom or me are dying laughing now) and you honestly feel like you're going to be spending the night there before you find the exit. It is nuts. The whole blessed Ikea experience (which was a hunt for new bedroom furniture - apparently one nests when one is recovering from a life-threatening injury) was topped off by us leaving the store with forty-seven little boxes o' furniture and suddenly realizing that we couldn't get the seats in Tim's car down. The Ikea dude was super patient and helped us, so we did end up making it home without looking like the ads of the Fiat 500 with all the Ikea boxes tied to the top with string. And now we are facing the ultimate test of our marriage - which is not, as you might expect, trying to juggle childcare and household management when one of you isn't fully functional. No, no, it's Tim displaying the ultimate in love for his wife by assembling the forty-seven boxes of little furniture. If we're still married tomorrow, my guess is we're going to make it.

From a Mother's heart

As Peggy told you last night, yesterday was an awesome day for her. She and Tim went to the barn and she was able to see, touch, and smell Al. I think that was a very necessary step for her to feel better about everything. In spite of all she has been through, she has been very concerned about how Al was doing. (As I understand it, he's getting some intensive training about learning not to leave out steps and I'm sure he's wondering what that's all about.) I wasn't at the barn yesterday, but I know that everyone there was very relieved to see Peg up and about. I can't imagine what they must have gone through when they watch her fall, watched her continue to be unconscious, and watch that helicopter lift off with her not knowing whether she was going to be alright or not. Just like it was important for Peggy to see, touch and smell Al, it was also important for the people who were there with her when this happened to see, touch, and talk to Peggy. (One of the things I am most thankful for other than my beautiful daughter's life, is that in all of this she has kept her quirky sense of humor.) I know for each of them it was an affirmation that bad things can happen and we can and do survive.
Many of you have asked how I'm doing. Well, I'm okay. There are still times when I am overwhelmed with what could have been and I guess that's just being a Mom. I am, of course, concerned about what the future holds and how long it will take for Peggy's memory to return to normal or near normal. However, Peggy's brain injury is the third one that I have dealt with in my life. When I was seven, my dad was injured in a car accident and he never left the hospital. He lived, but it wasn't much of a life. He spent 40+ years in a VA hospital. That accident changed my life forever. In November, 2007, some of you will remember that my husband's mother was attacked while watering her flowers on her patio and suffered severe brain trauma. She was 89 years old. I spent two months with her at Baylor hospital in Dallas which has one of the top three brain trauma centers in the country. I learned a lot. Today, Den's Mom is 91 years old and lives in an assisted living center--not a nursing home. She has some severe language problems (the words are there but she can't get them out) and continues to take a lot of medication related to her injuries, but she is alive, she knows what's going on in the world, and she, too, has retained her sense of humor. So, how am I feeling? I have seen the devastation that a brain injury can cause, and I have seen the miraculous recovery that someone with unbelievable damage can have. I am feeling very optimistic about how Peggy is going to do. I'm smart enough to know, however, that it won't be an overnight process--it's going to take some time. And, does that keep my from worrying? No. She is my baby. She will always be my baby. When she hurts, I hurt. If I could take every bit of this away from her and have it be me instead, I would do it in a heartbeat. So, again, I'm doing okay. I love having some time with Elijah because we get so little of it, I love being here in Portland where I can breathe without feeling like I just breathed in scalded air (it's been so hot in Texas this summer), and I love being able to help Tim and Peggy. I know it's hard for them to have someone always under foot, but for now, I'm glad I can do it.
I also need to take this time to thank all the people in Texas who are keeping my life there going while I am here. For my team at the office, there are no words to adequately express how much it means to me that you have taken over and are keeping things going while I am here. You are the greatest! For my church family, thank you so much for all the prayers, the calls, the e-mails, and the support. I love all of you. (Okay a word to my Sunday School class--don't think we are finished with Chronicles. I already have the next lesson prepared and as soon as I get back, we get back to work on figuring out what in the world it's all about.) For my son, Barrett, thank you for taking care of Sebastian. I know he's trying to figure out what in the world is going on in his life. Also thanks to my grandsons Clay and Shane who are also helping with the Sebastian project. And to my friends Debbie and Charlie and Bill and Gina and Judy, I love you guys. Enough, enough, enough! Linda