Friday, September 4, 2009
Talk to me and make me real
I sometimes feel like I'm in a dream, and this is all happening to someone else. I don't know how else to explain it. My mom looks at me worriedly when I say that, but seriously, how often have YOU lost an entire week out of your life? And I'm not talking about Pledge Week in college, which doesn't really count. It seems like I'm making this all up and will wake up in a few days going, "psych." (Now there's an 80s turn of phrase for you.) Or I will just disappear. I feel like I'm in that movie with Maggie Gyllenhall and the other guy, who plays the IRS man. It seems like my story is being written by someone else, and at any moment, they can decide to be done with me. That seems very dramatic, but I did get a close up view of how fragile and precarious this all is, so now it seems like make-believe. The things that keep me tethered to reality are the bruises on my arms and talking to people other than my family. My mom and I went to the mall today, and all that interaction was exhausting, but was a good reality check. Yep, it appears that this is really happening, that I'm not faking it somehow, and that I really did rattle my brain. I miss a few things about Before. I miss riding a ton. I mean, it's a visceral ache. I love it so much. I miss Al and his shaggy mane and all his affection. I miss Courtney. I miss my butt being sore. I miss being nervous about jumping. I miss it all. I also strangely miss work. I miss having my own little domain, going to the bathroom by myself, my clients (okay, most of them), my co-workers. I miss Normal. I miss not waking up and wondering what day it is or if I'm real. I miss not having a constant headache. I miss no one worrying about me, which is weighty and tiring. I miss silly times with my boy, and not having to worry about bonking heads. Mostly, I just miss my old life. I think it's going to come back, but it could take awhile. In the meantime, I'll try to be more cheerful, I promise.
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If it makes you feel any better, Peggy, you *sound* perfectly Normal in the healthiest of ways. Just like Before. Continue to get well. You're in our thoughts and prayers. xoxo
ReplyDeleteHi Peggy,
ReplyDeleteI'm Judith Maisey's eldest daughter. She called me immediately after your mom called her and we started sending good energy your (and her) way. I was so glad to read your post. You do have a way with words and your sense of humor made me laugh. Writing is a reliable way for me to process and make sense out of what I'm experiencing. Maybe the same will be true for you.
We have horses, and I can imagine how much you miss Al. It's weird but even though I seldom ride anymore (our horses are very old, fat pets!), I still love the smell of the sun on their backs, their liquid brown eyes, the way they nuzzle me. You can use your imagination and your huge catalog of experiences to go for a ride on Al anytime. Just close your eyes and take yourself there. Happiness is a big part of healing.
I know this whole recovery thing must feel interminably slow. Relax about it. Laugh a lot. Most importantly, be gentle with yourself. In the grand scheme of your life, this is but a blip. (A wakes-me-up-to-the-unpredictability-and-beauty-of-normal-life, scare-the-crap-out-of-me-and-all-who-care-for-me blip, but a blip all the same.)
Give your mom a hug from me (mind, you don't bump heads!) I am so grateful for her friendship in my mom's life. Us military brats cherish our long-lived relationships!